Vanished Read online

  Brit’s mom untied the gray-and-green Hermès scarf from her neck and let it drift down onto the counter. She smiled at me, her lips pressed together. I could tell she was trying to remember my name.

  “Hi, Dr. Ryerson,” I said.

  “Kalah came over to help me with a student council project,” Britney explained. “I was just telling her she should join.”

  “Being on student council shows a commitment to service and leadership. Both Britney’s dad and I were president when we were in high school.” There was a pause where it went unsaid that Britney had only made it to secretary. Never mind that secretary was the position Brit had chosen to run for.

  Dr. Ryerson was still staring at me. She always did this thing where she kept eye contact for a long time. Maybe it was because she was a psychiatrist and wanted you to feel heard. What it made me feel was that I was under inspection.

  “I’m counting on my grades getting me in,” I explained. “And maybe field hockey.”

  “Performance in school isn’t enough to make someone a complete candidate. You want to show them a full, well-rounded person. Just because of your heritage, you can’t count on getting preferential treatment.” Dr. Ryerson noticed an atom-sized piece of lint on her sleeve and flicked it away.

  I flushed, unsure of how to respond. I wanted to spit back that the last time I’d checked, I was in fact a full person already, including and regardless of my “heritage.” But I was pretty sure there was nothing I could say to change the fact that Britney’s mom probably thought of me as “that brown girl.”

  “Where are you planning to apply?” Dr. Ryerson asked. Britney looked at me behind her mom’s back and rolled her eyes.

  “I haven’t decided,” I admitted. “Maybe Ohio State.” I felt a band of tension in my chest loosen. It was the first time I’d said out loud what I’d been thinking about ever since Beth got in. I could picture Beth and me on campus, walking through the leaves on our way to a class, holding hands. Of course my whole college fantasy was clearly just a fantasy, since I couldn’t even get her to return my calls. I’d tried her again at lunchtime and on my drive to Brit’s. Both calls had gone straight to voice mail.

  Britney sniffed. “You could do better.”

  “You’ll get a solid education there,” Dr. Ryerson said.

  I wished the conversation would end. Didn’t Britney’s mom have something else to do? Didn’t her flying monkeys need tending?

  “State schools are a great option for some people. Besides, the Ivy Leagues can’t take everyone, and they shouldn’t. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

  My jaw fell open but Brit’s mom didn’t notice. She was eyeing Britney as Brit ate another cashew. She pinched Brit’s stomach. “Speaking of pigs, the freshman fifteen will catch up with you soon enough next year. No sense in giving it a head start.” Brit dropped her handful of nuts back in the glass bowl. Her mom smiled and patted her back as if she had performed a particularly difficult trick. “Okay, you girls have fun with your project.” She waved her fingers at us and swept back out of the room. Brit slumped into a chair.

  We sat in silence. It was like Britney’s mom had sucked all the air out of the room. She wasn’t my mom, but I still wanted to crawl under the table. I tapped my finger in beats of six.

  “And people wonder why I’m a bitch,” Britney said. “Can’t blame the apple for falling close to the tree.”

  “Everyone can’t stand their parents at some point,” I offered.

  “But parents are supposed to like their kids, right? The difference in my situation is that she can’t stand me.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true,” I said. At least I wished it weren’t true.

  “Don’t feel bad. I have a lifetime of experience in disappointing my mother. I’ve got it down to an art by now.”

  “No way. You are not a disappointment. You’re . . .” My brain scrambled for a way to describe her. “. . . you’re Britney.”

  “I know you’re trying to help, and I know everyone thinks I have it all together. But the truth is, I don’t. I was so sure I had my life figured out and now it seems like everything is upside down. I’m this huge fraud,” Britney said, her voice cracking.

  My heart wrenched for her. “No one cares if you got into Harvard or not,” I said, though probably plenty of people at school would be all too happy to find out that Britney had failed. It wasn’t that she was disliked; it was more that people wanted to bust her perfect exterior to prove she was human like the rest of us. But those people didn’t matter. “I’m telling you, it’s Harvard’s loss.”

  She didn’t meet my eyes. “Duke’s and Yale’s too. How did you know?” She leaned back, looking up at the ceiling, while I tried to think of how to answer. “Never mind. Beth must have told you. She’s the only one I shared it with. After all, if you can’t trust your BFF, who can you trust?”

  “You can trust us. We love you. Beth only told me because she felt bad and didn’t know what to do.” I wondered if part of why Britney made fun of Ohio State is that she was jealous. It wasn’t as prestigious as Cornell, but it was a good school, and they’d actively recruited Beth. Britney could never stand the idea of someone doing better than her. I wasn’t sure if she ever felt she was good enough.

  Brit picked at her thumbnail. “I didn’t want anyone to know. Sometimes I like my version of reality so much I almost forget the actual truth.” She leaned forward. “Don’t tell anyone about this.”

  “I won’t.”

  Britney’s face relaxed. “I knew I could count on you.” She took the stack of papers from my hand. “Now fess up, why did you really want to come over? You’re not looking for a way in on the council, and it certainly wasn’t for my mom’s company.”

  I took a deep breath and jumped in. “No one knows Beth better than you.” Her face was still. “I’m just trying to understand why she left.” When I’d planned this conversation in my head I pictured myself being stoic and logical, but now that it was happening, I wanted to beg her to talk to Beth. To tell Beth that she had to call me, she couldn’t just walk away without a word. Even putting aside whatever else was between us, Beth owed me that much as a friend, didn’t she? But I didn’t say any of that.

  Britney looked out the bay window to the manicured yard. “If Beth didn’t tell you, then it’s not my place to say.”

  A jolt ran up my spine. I knew it. Britney knew more than she was saying. “You know?”

  Her shoulders went up in a halfhearted shrug.

  I wanted to hurl the stapler at her in frustration. I forced myself to swallow and calm down. Britney couldn’t be pushed. “Okay, fair enough. If she swore you to secrecy, I get it. I’m not asking you to break any promises to her. You would never break your word to a friend, I know that.”

  Brit met my gaze. “I would never screw a friend.” Her voice was clipped. “And unlike Beth, I can keep a secret.”

  I winced. I’d just made things worse. “I swear, she only told me about your college applications because she wanted to come up with some way to make you feel better. She wanted you to have enough support.” That was true.

  “You have no idea why Beth does anything. No one does.”

  Whoa. Apparently we’d both felt burned.

  I tried a different tact. “How about if I guess where Beth went. Will you at least tell me if I’m on the right track?” I yanked out the list I’d made in study hall when I should have been cramming for my chem quiz. I’d approached the list the way my dad would. He was a total engineer. He’d taught me every problem can be solved if you work through it systematically.

  “People are saying that Beth ran off to Europe, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t have a passport. So I don’t think she’s there,” I said.

  Britney gave the barest of nods. I felt a rush of relief. One option crossed off the list.

  “I don’t think she’s in town. If she were still here there’s no way that could stay a secret. Someone would
have seen her by now. It’s not like she’d be hiding in someone’s basement. She’d have to come out sometime.” I realized that my foot was bouncing and made it stop.

  “It would be hard,” Britney admitted, but she didn’t say anything else. I crossed it off my list.

  I pressed forward with my theory. “I think she’s still in Michigan somewhere. I know everyone likes the idea that she’s run off to L.A. or New York, but I don’t think she’d go there. She doesn’t know anyone in those cities. I can’t imagine that she plans to stay away forever. She never talked about wanting to get into modeling or acting.”

  Britney snorted. “Is that Alicia who keeps telling everyone Beth’s going to be a model? Please. Beth is pretty, but she’s not model material. Alicia’s deranged.”

  An image of Beth flashed in my head. She wasn’t pretty; she was beautiful. I forced myself to stop thinking about her gorgeous eyes and the shape of her hands, and the scent and feel of her hair. I’d end up falling apart right there in Brit’s kitchen if I let myself linger on these thoughts.

  Of course Brit had taken the idea of Beth modeling as a personal comparison. Brit had done some modeling at our local mall and sometimes mentioned that she’d considered moving to New York and signing with an agency, but she hadn’t wanted to leave Jason and all their future plans behind. We knew she was bullshitting, but we never called her on it.

  Whatever. The important thing was neither Britney nor I thought Beth was trying to work a runway somewhere. I crossed it off.

  I looked down at my sheet of paper. There was one more option, and I had to ask. I forced myself to look at Brit, who was flicking through pages in her Vogue as if skimming for answers there. “Do you think Beth left because she was having some kind of relationship trouble?” I asked, trying to stay vague.

  Britney’s head snapped up from the magazine. “What do you mean?” I didn’t answer. Her lips twitched. “Everyone knows Beth doesn’t do relationships. She hates the mere idea of commitment.”

  I forced my voice to sound casual. “I don’t know; it just seemed like lately she was different. Like maybe she was falling in love.”

  “Oh, she was in love all right,” Brit said. “Head over heels is my guess.”

  My heart soared. I felt as if I could float away. I had to fight the urge to beg her to go on. If Brit could tell Beth loved me, then what we had was real, and whatever was happening now was some kind of horrible mistake, a misunderstanding that we would sort out.

  “Of course, the person Beth’s in love with is herself.”

  My heart crashed to the floor and shattered.

  “Look, I know people want to believe she ran off with some secret boyfriend, but I guarantee you, if there was a secret someone it was just another conquest. Beth played with people’s hearts because she wanted to know other people could love her. It was never about her loving anyone back.”

  Her words knocked the air right out of my lungs.

  Britney reached over and squeezed my hand. “It says tons about you that you’re so worried about Beth. You’re a good friend.”

  I managed a weak smile.

  Britney put her finger to her lips to motion for me to be quiet. She peeked out of the kitchen to make sure we were alone and crossed to the fridge. She opened the freezer and pulled out a chocolate bar. “It’s my mom’s secret stash, and I think we deserve it.” She broke off two squares of the fancy Belgian dark chocolate and tossed one to me. “We’ve got each other. We’ll get through this year with or without Beth.”

  “I miss her.” My voice caught. Suddenly I wanted to tell Britney about Beth and me. I wanted to pour out the whole ugly, beautiful mess. How I’d been so sure we’d been falling for each other. How we hid it from everyone, which at first seemed almost exciting, but then started to feel wrong. How I’d lied to Zach and to Brit too, but I’d been so certain that it was going to work, and now I didn’t know anything.

  “I know you love Beth,” Brit said. My heart lurched, but I realized she didn’t mean it that way. She hadn’t guessed the truth. I wasn’t sure if I was glad or sorry. She nibbled her chocolate. “People always love Beth, but she’s not what she seems.”

  This whole conversation was making me sick. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, for example, I know you think we both loved you from the start, but the truth is, she didn’t want you as our friend,” Brit said. “I had to talk her into letting you hang out with us.”

  I could tell she expected me to be shocked, but I wasn’t. Britney often had her own version of the truth, but she wasn’t lying about this.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I’d always been aware of Beth and Brit. You couldn’t go to our school and not know who they were. Even though we weren’t friends before this year, I knew them better than most because we were on the team together. Membership has its privileges.

  I’ve always been good at sports. My parents have no idea where my athletic ability came from, since they are tied for the Least Coordinated Person in the Universe title. My brother never played sports either, but for some reason, if it involves running and a ball I’m good at it. I’d played soccer since I was little, but as a sophomore, when I transferred to Northside from the private school where I used to go, I tried out for the field hockey team on a lark. Given what happened at my old school, I was ready for a change with everything.

  As soon as I held the stick it felt natural and right. I made the team as a varsity starter.

  Beth and Britney were the stars of the team. They were hypercompetitive, not just with other teams, but also with each other. Where they went, the rest of the team followed. If either of them ever yelled “good play” at you, it was better than hearing it from Coach. It was like suddenly having the sun come out and focus on you.

  They almost didn’t seem like real people, more like celebrities. They existed on another level compared to the rest of us mortals. I would smile at them in the halls and they would yell out my name if I made a great play on the field, but I was also pretty sure they didn’t care at all who I was, at least off the field, which was why when Britney invited me to go out for frozen yogurt after a game this fall, I was so shocked.

  I looked around the locker room, surprised that Brit was talking to me. “You mean, like everyone’s going?” I asked.

  Brit was only half-dressed. Her bra was fancier than the dress I’d worn to prom last year and probably cost twice as much. “No, not everyone. Just us.” She motioned toward Beth, who was sitting on the bench, stuffing her gear into her bag.

  Beth looked up and nodded. I noticed some of my teammates glancing over at us. I could almost see the thought bubbles above their heads: “Why are they asking her?” I was wondering the same thing. If you lined up the three of us, it wouldn’t be hard to pick out which one was not like the others.

  As proud as I was to be chosen and as much as I wanted to go, I was also almost afraid. It had been two years since I’d left Windsor Prep and left my mess of a life there behind, but I was wary of girls still. Wary of friends. Aside from Zach, I wasn’t interested in even risking getting too close to anyone. Besides, Beth and Brit were way out of my league.

  Then I saw Melissa, who was sort of the leader of our junior crowd, watching closely. Melissa and I had been butting heads ever since I became our starting sweeper, a position she thought should have been hers. Melissa was popular and the fact that I didn’t kiss her ass was also a problem. I could tell she thought it was some kind of huge mistake that Brit was inviting me instead of her.

  “Yeah, sure. That would be great,” I said. I looked over at Melissa and smiled. Take that.

  Brit drove and Beth rode shotgun, with me in the back. Brit had the windows down with the music up, and one hand on the wheel. The way she drove made me fairly certain that these might be my last few minutes on earth, but at that moment, laughing and joking with the two of them, I didn’t even care. I wanted to take a picture, or stream it to the world so there would be a record that it
was happening, that it was real.

  We got our fro-yo and loaded it with toppings, and grabbed a table at the back. Beth gave us an update on her latest hookup. Britney teased her for being a heartbreaker and started singing a Taylor Swift song in a funny voice. Beth used Brit’s spoon to steal a bite of my ice cream out of the dish. Before I even knew what I was doing I reached over, grabbed her hand with her cone in it, and took a huge lick of her ice cream. As soon as I’d done it, I let go of her, horrified, but Beth burst out laughing.

  I remember thinking I would do anything to make her laugh like that again.

  After that I was one of them. They pulled me into their jokes and conversations, appeared by my locker and made it clear I should stop by theirs. And when practice was over it was assumed I’d go wherever they were going. I spent less and less time with the people I used to hang with and devoted myself to Beth and Brit. I still made time for Zach, of course, but aside from him and them, no one else mattered. The dynamic duo had become a trio.

  I hadn’t had a real best friend since eighth grade, when my friend Ella had moved to Minnesota with her parents. Freshman year at my old school there had been all this drama with my other so-called friends and I didn’t have any interest in repeating it once I transferred. I hadn’t felt like I needed close friends at Northside since I had Zach, but once I had Beth and Brit in my life I realized how much I’d missed having girlfriends.

  I knew it wasn’t an equal partnership. We all hung out, but of course there were times they still got together without me. I wasn’t included in every conversation. I was clearly the apprentice and they were the masters. They decided where we went and when, and what we did when we got there.

  It was also clear to me that everyone who had started being extra-nice to me since I became a part of their group was waiting for me to fall. Melissa most of all. She was supersweet to me now, but it was as fake as a bucket of artificial sweetener. Every so often I would catch her watching the three of us, looking like she wanted to feed me to a pack of wolves.